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3分钟学会一个雅思写作7分句(七十三)
2021-01-14 16:56   作者:新航道   阅读量:

Young people are leaving their homes from rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages?


应对这道题,学生在原因表述中写了这样一个句子:


In addition, citizens have better medical facilities and more convenience, they can go around the city by varied kinds of traffic transport and many famous hospitals locate in the city center.


学生在原因阐述时出现了跑题,并且在句子衔接上缺少了连接词。


教师修改后如下:


In addition, with a higher level of infrastructure provided in urban areas, those young people can be better secured academically and financially, thus applying themselves to their pursuit in studies and work. 


Ø 作文一定要扣题,城市生活的便利性不应是写作的重点,而是要服务于题目中说到的去城市学习和工作


Ø 独立主格结构的使用省去了学生对于医院,交通这些具象化的赘述,增强了句子的弹性,突出了句子的重心:be better secured academically and financially;另外留意两个副词的灵活使用;


Ø 原句当中两个单句缺乏连接词的衔接,在修改的句子中重新整合逻辑,用一个整句呈现:城市有更好的基础设施水平→使年轻人在学习和经济上得到保证→因此就能专注于自己的追求;另注意thus副词,不可连接两个分句。


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